Making pudding at 3am
Image: Goblin Week, day 3, by Jaydot Sloane
I actually slept fine, but honestly that’s because I pop a garden gummy before bed every night. Otherwise the insomnia wins and I know for an utter, inalienable fact that the basis of being able to cope with anything that happens is getting good rest. What did I say yesterday about it being too easy to catastrophize? That is, of course, the goal of the opposition. To suck all the energy out of us by spinning us in circles having meltdowns and panic attacks about whatever the fuck it is they think they are doing. Losing sleep over stuff only helps them do whatever they want.
No. Fuck that. I’m furious and hurt and angry and upset and furious (I am not generally an angry person, perhaps I need to start expanding my vocabulary around these feelings), but I cannot make meaningful acts and decisions without enough sleep. This is probably applicable in some broad metaphorical sense, something about how resting is not the same as laying down and taking whatever is dished out. Something about how strength lays in rest, and if you let them take rest away from you that’s far more giving in to the onslaught of the horrors than trying to get some sleep ever would. The hyper vigilance will be what kills us, when instead we can fortify in shifts and make sure everyone has the strength to face whatever comes our way.
That said, once the gummy wears off I’m usually up and out of bed getting chased by panicky thoughts so let’s not pretend I’m some pillar of sanity, some bulwark against the tide of fascism. I intend to take up space, I intend to be the weasel in their cheerios, I intend to take all this fear and rage and anger and point it in the right direction and chip away at whatever I can reach. But in the morning, I am just scared.
Yesterday I made the dough, and this morning I made the chocolate-cinnamon-date babka, and when I’m done with this blog post I’m going to go fry up some donuts. Because it feels good to have my hands in something, it feels good to make something, it feels good to feed people, and all of that is enhanced by having gotten rest the night before.
Rest up, babes. It’s gonna be hard, but we can do hard things (with enough sleep and calories in our body to make it happen).
