Don’t go to war hangry
Goblin week #4, by Jaydot
One of my big therapy goals the past few years has been, essentially, to grow a spine. Without getting into a big long medical history of mental health issues, the short version is that I have a strong survival skill of rolling over and letting people have what they want. I find it as wildly upsetting in myself as when I see the national democratic party do it. I get it, I truly do, but that doesn’t make it ok or mean it doesn’t suck ass.
Yesterday I was so angry I could chew rocks. I knew taking action on the situation (no I won’t go into gory detail on this one, it’s work shit and honestly besides the point) while I was that furious could lead to me doing something that I would regret, so I gave myself time and space to settle in with my feelings, and decided to wait until after I’d had some dinner in me.
Hangry could only make things worse, so reasonable to assume a full belly would give me more focus.
Cooking in the kitchen is also how I self-soothe the most. I love my family and relaxing is nice but there’s just something about being in the zone of my core competency to make me feel like a real human being instead of a bumbling angry idiot.
Except once I was comfortable and full, I found my anger slipping away from me. Wouldn’t it just be easier to let it go? The person is very nearly no longer affiliated with any aspect of my life, I could just ignore the whole situation and forget about it.
I knew that was the wrong answer, but I struggled with the motivation to follow through and rectify the situation, since it would involve more confrontation with a deeply unpleasant person. I am awful at holding grudges (again, a survival skill that served me well as a kid but as an adult trying to live in the world it’s fucking me up), so I decided to turn to my community for support.
Phone a friend for: Grudginess lessons.
It helped. It genuinely helped. I may not have the skills myself, but I’m smart enough to know who does and reach out to them. I still have to follow up on the issue today, but I know I’ll get around to it. I got a little more procrastination in me for an unpleasant task, but I won’t avoid it entirely. I am capable of holding someone accountable for their shitty actions.
Just maybe…a little later. After lunch or something.
xoxoxo,
J.
P.S: that was TOTALLY a nazi salute what the fuck is anyone rolling over for THAT. I refuse to reject the evidence of my eyes and ears. I’m not stupid, neither are you, and we both saw exactly what we saw. Cheers.
