Get weird with it

“Fix Your Hearts or Die” graphic merch design, by Jaydot Sloane

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I dunno. I’m struggling today. Spent a lot of time fantasizing about moving back to Tucson to live in my childhood home with mom. No mortgage. Set up a little art studio somewhere. Let mom play with her grandkids every day. Go swimming at the local pool.

I’ve run away from things so many times in my life. Every time before that, what I was really trying to run away from was myself. Sadly, wherever you go, there you are, so it never really worked.

I like to think after a decade of therapy and self-work it would be different this time, since I’m less running away from myself and more running away from all my responsibilities, ready to assume new, different responsibilities.

Then I remembered mom is allergic to dogs, so I guess I’m staying the course for now.

Sometimes the work is hard, burdensome, depressing. I am already full of CPTSD and prone to wanting to lay down in the road and let nature take its course. It’s not a pretty condition I have, but I want to be honest with myself about it, because ignoring it in the hopes it goes away is a much worse option that I almost didn’t survive once.

That said, after a decade of working on it, I can at least hold on until tomorrow. Maybe it won’t feel so bad tomorrow.

And if it does, there’s always the day after that. Maybe that one won’t feel so bad either.

Ad infinitum.

I know this isn’t the most inspiring entry today, but sometimes the best we can do is just survive. And that’s ok. I’ll live to thrive another day.

xoxoxoxo,

J.